I initially sat down at the computer with this question in mind: What are the Biblical reasons and arguments to support "permanent birth control" (tubal ligation, vasectomy)?
I knew there was no command that we should NOT to have this done. But for some reason, I wanted a list of reasons why we SHOULD consider it a good thing.
I should mention that this came completely out of nowhere. I had no reason to even be thinking about it right now. Chip and I are in full agreement at this point that our family isn't done.
I should also point out that I WANTED good reasons. I WANTED to know that when the time came, we were doing the right thing. Vasectomies are not a rare thing in the church. Neither are tubal ligations. And this is a big topic. So I set out to find the reasonings and logic behind a decision that so many Christians have made and been fine with.
I started my search and realized that there are so many "what ifs". Too many to count. Everyone is in a different situation. And this ISN'T a black and white/right and wrong thing. And so, instead of trying to figure out what everyone else should do, I decided to try to figure out what WE...Chip and myself....should do.
We obviously had reasons in our heads behind why we'd make this decision. So the obvious thing to do would be to ask ourselves: Are these reasons the RIGHT reasons? And so, I started to evaluate my OWN reasons.
I was in this alone, at this point. Chip had no idea what I was thinking about. Like I said, there was really no reason to be thinking about it right now.
So, I began to really think about MY reasons. Some of them are more valid than others. Most would seem like quite valid reasons if I were to tell them to a friend...but are much more pathetic when I try to tell them to God. I thought of the things that I have said recently in regards to "being done"....things like "we will be so young when our kids are grown up...we'll be able to do SO much". Or "we live in a little tiny condo...we don't have space for another baby". Or "I don't want to have to take care of a baby if I decide to homeschool...I need to be done before Kenzie is five..so we can fit in one more baby in before that." Or..."I'm tired of this baby phase..I can't wait until we can just get rid of all this "stuff" that comes along with babies." Some of you may think these things are valid. And some of these reasons might be quite valid for someone else. But not for me. Not in my life. I can see through all of these reasons. And I can tell you that when it comes to my heart, as much as anyone else may want to make me feel justified in these things, I simply cannot. The more I look to what God's word says, the more I feel these are just excuses. Excuses I know I will be supported in by the people around me. But excuses that won't hold any water with God. He knows my heart. He knows my motives. He is the one I will answer to in the end.
These are just a few of my "reasons". These are just a few of the things I have heard myself saying to people in the past year. But as I've thought through these and other reasons, I have started to ask myself other questions. And so, some of those questions will be looked at in the next several posts.
11.15.2010
Getting a head start
And so, here we are.
Happily and like-mindedly waiting to see if and when God gives us another bundle.
Kenzie is 3 1/2.
Ryken is 2 1/4.
Emery and Casey are each 3/4 (9 months).
And I am still period-less for now and as far as I know, not pregnant.
But. The other day, I decided to get a head start.
I mean, yeah, sure we decided that we were both open to another baby. But after that, surely we'd HAVE to be done. Right?
We have to be done sometime. Right?????
And a vasectomy is still the easiest way to go. So I decided to back it all up. I know there are no verses that talk about this issue specifically...but SURELY others have thought this through and there MUST be some good, solid Biblical reasons and arguments for why this is a good thing to do. Right??
And so I began my search.
I was sure I'd find SOMETHING. Someone to talk about the WISDOM of a vasectomy. About the STEWARDSHIP behind a vasectomy. Right?
And so I googled. And googled. And googled.
And did NOT find what I was looking for....what I was HOPING for.
Instead, I found page after page of either what seemed like a lame excuse or answer like "the Bible doesn't say not to...so go for it" OR I found page after page of challenging the way I was looking at things.
I had decided to get a head-start on the issue....making sure that when/if baby #5 comes along I'd be all ready to go with the big V...knowing we were making Biblically grounded decisions.
And that is where my questions started. Remember....those questions WAY back in my first post? Instead of a head-start I found myself taking 1 step forward and about 1,000 steps back. And so the examination begins.
Happily and like-mindedly waiting to see if and when God gives us another bundle.
Kenzie is 3 1/2.
Ryken is 2 1/4.
Emery and Casey are each 3/4 (9 months).
And I am still period-less for now and as far as I know, not pregnant.
But. The other day, I decided to get a head start.
I mean, yeah, sure we decided that we were both open to another baby. But after that, surely we'd HAVE to be done. Right?
We have to be done sometime. Right?????
And a vasectomy is still the easiest way to go. So I decided to back it all up. I know there are no verses that talk about this issue specifically...but SURELY others have thought this through and there MUST be some good, solid Biblical reasons and arguments for why this is a good thing to do. Right??
And so I began my search.
I was sure I'd find SOMETHING. Someone to talk about the WISDOM of a vasectomy. About the STEWARDSHIP behind a vasectomy. Right?
And so I googled. And googled. And googled.
And did NOT find what I was looking for....what I was HOPING for.
Instead, I found page after page of either what seemed like a lame excuse or answer like "the Bible doesn't say not to...so go for it" OR I found page after page of challenging the way I was looking at things.
I had decided to get a head-start on the issue....making sure that when/if baby #5 comes along I'd be all ready to go with the big V...knowing we were making Biblically grounded decisions.
And that is where my questions started. Remember....those questions WAY back in my first post? Instead of a head-start I found myself taking 1 step forward and about 1,000 steps back. And so the examination begins.
Unexpected Change of Heart
Initially, at the news of having twins....at the realization that I'd have 4 kids ages: 2, 1, and two newborns, I wanted Chip to go get a vasectomy immediately.
It would be perfect. We'd have our 4 kids. He'd have things all taken care of. I'd give birth and we'd never have to think about or pray about or discuss the baby-making side of sex ever again. We could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted and everything would be happy and wonderful. No more wondering if breastfeeding was "working". No more thinking about possibly having to put "barriers" between us. This was gonna be good.
I figured he'd have the vasectomy while I was pregnant and he'd be good and cleaned out by the time any fertility might return on my end.
Chip wanted to hold off, though. His reasons were good. I was pregnant with twins. Because there were two, I was automatically labeled high risk. The chances of something going wrong were higher. So he thought it would be best to wait and see....to make sure the babies were born on time and healthy and that things went well. I couldn't argue with that.
So instead, we'd wait until RIGHT after they were born. I knew that everything I'd read on vasectomies said you have to use "back-up" for 6 weeks. We were both pretty confident that breastfeeding twins would be a good enough "back-up", at least for the first 6 months. So he'd just have to go within the first couple months and we'd be able to avoid condoms and the like. Hurray.
So February rolled around. And my baby boys were here. Emerson Earl and Cason Roy were born and a beautiful birth it was.
We went home. And things were crazy.....but not as crazy as I'd expected. And it was tiring....but not as tiring as I'd expected. Jesus was providing...in so so many ways.
And when they were a few weeks old, the vasectomy was mentioned. Nothing was set in stone. No appointments were made. It was simply mentioned....a "we need to do that sometime" type of thing. No deep discussion. There was no question. Just a simple statement.
And out of nowhere I was sad. Not just a little bit sad. But deeply and overwhelmingly sad. It consumed my thoughts and it interrupted my sleep. And I was so confused.
Here I was. 24 years old. 4 kids...all of them babies, really. This was what I'd always wanted. This was what we'd always planned. Just a few short months before I was planning out the best day for him to go and get things "taken care of".
So I now had this problem. I was deeply saddened and overly anxious and questioning something I KNEW I wanted...I wanted to be DONE. How in the world could we possibly have ANOTHER baby?
NOT ONLY did we have 4 kids ages 2 and under BUT...we also had a minivan that seated 6 (and there were 6 of us)....not a whole lot of money.....and a 900sq ft condo. More kids?! More?! Was I going completely insane?
But I knew what I'd do and it was a fail-proof plan. I'd talk to Chip. I KNEW he wouldn't go for it. He hadn't even known if he wanted 4 kids. There was NO WAY he'd go for 5. But he was the head of the household. And I'm a good submissive wife. And so it would be my way out. I'd still be sad, but I'd be doing the right thing. I'd be opening up. I'd be honest about my feelings. And then I'd graciously submit and pray that God would give me peace. PERFECT!
So I talked to Chip. And to my horror and amazement, he said he could totally see us having another baby. WHAT?!
So now, I knew two things: 1. We were BOTH completely insane. and 2. It HAD to be from God. There was no other explanation. There still isn't. ME wanting another baby...ME wanting more kicks and wiggles in my belly....that isn't all that surprising. But Chip?! Yeah. It was God. 100%
It would be perfect. We'd have our 4 kids. He'd have things all taken care of. I'd give birth and we'd never have to think about or pray about or discuss the baby-making side of sex ever again. We could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted and everything would be happy and wonderful. No more wondering if breastfeeding was "working". No more thinking about possibly having to put "barriers" between us. This was gonna be good.
I figured he'd have the vasectomy while I was pregnant and he'd be good and cleaned out by the time any fertility might return on my end.
Chip wanted to hold off, though. His reasons were good. I was pregnant with twins. Because there were two, I was automatically labeled high risk. The chances of something going wrong were higher. So he thought it would be best to wait and see....to make sure the babies were born on time and healthy and that things went well. I couldn't argue with that.
So instead, we'd wait until RIGHT after they were born. I knew that everything I'd read on vasectomies said you have to use "back-up" for 6 weeks. We were both pretty confident that breastfeeding twins would be a good enough "back-up", at least for the first 6 months. So he'd just have to go within the first couple months and we'd be able to avoid condoms and the like. Hurray.
So February rolled around. And my baby boys were here. Emerson Earl and Cason Roy were born and a beautiful birth it was.
We went home. And things were crazy.....but not as crazy as I'd expected. And it was tiring....but not as tiring as I'd expected. Jesus was providing...in so so many ways.
And when they were a few weeks old, the vasectomy was mentioned. Nothing was set in stone. No appointments were made. It was simply mentioned....a "we need to do that sometime" type of thing. No deep discussion. There was no question. Just a simple statement.
And out of nowhere I was sad. Not just a little bit sad. But deeply and overwhelmingly sad. It consumed my thoughts and it interrupted my sleep. And I was so confused.
Here I was. 24 years old. 4 kids...all of them babies, really. This was what I'd always wanted. This was what we'd always planned. Just a few short months before I was planning out the best day for him to go and get things "taken care of".
So I now had this problem. I was deeply saddened and overly anxious and questioning something I KNEW I wanted...I wanted to be DONE. How in the world could we possibly have ANOTHER baby?
NOT ONLY did we have 4 kids ages 2 and under BUT...we also had a minivan that seated 6 (and there were 6 of us)....not a whole lot of money.....and a 900sq ft condo. More kids?! More?! Was I going completely insane?
But I knew what I'd do and it was a fail-proof plan. I'd talk to Chip. I KNEW he wouldn't go for it. He hadn't even known if he wanted 4 kids. There was NO WAY he'd go for 5. But he was the head of the household. And I'm a good submissive wife. And so it would be my way out. I'd still be sad, but I'd be doing the right thing. I'd be opening up. I'd be honest about my feelings. And then I'd graciously submit and pray that God would give me peace. PERFECT!
So I talked to Chip. And to my horror and amazement, he said he could totally see us having another baby. WHAT?!
So now, I knew two things: 1. We were BOTH completely insane. and 2. It HAD to be from God. There was no other explanation. There still isn't. ME wanting another baby...ME wanting more kicks and wiggles in my belly....that isn't all that surprising. But Chip?! Yeah. It was God. 100%
Baby! again and again
Ryken turned 8 months old at the end of March.
The beginning of April, I had my first postpartum period.
Six weeks (and a few negative pregnancy tests...just to be sure) later, in the middle of May, I had another.
Another six weeks went by and still no period. And so another test. With a faint 2nd line. It was beautiful. It was the end of June. Ryken was 11 months old. And Baby #3 was coming.
I wasn't nervous. The transition from 1 baby to 2 was so easy for me. People had scared me my whole pregnancy and I had scared myself. I was worried about the fact that Kenzie would have to share me. I was afraid she wouldn't be ready. I didn't know how I'd stretch myself. But then Ryken came and we were all happy afterall. As Ryken got bigger, he and Kenzie became buddies and I could see the many ways that a cl0se-in-age sibling was a GOOD thing for my baby-girl. And so, I knew the same would be for baby #3. I had had 2 easy pregnancies. I had had 2 smooth deliveries. I had breastfed 2 babies successfully with few difficulties. It would be a piece of cake : ) I had it all under control (insert through-the-roof PRIDEFULNESS)
And so it began. The pregnancy wasn't really bad, but it was worse than I had remembered. I was SO SO tired. But then again, it WAS the middle of summer and the heat always makes me tired. And I did have TWO babies to take care of this time instead of just one.
And I was SO SO hungry. But I was still nursing Ryken. And I was chasing after TWO babies, instead of just one.
So the first few weeks flew by and before I knew it my first OB appointment was upon us. We walked in feeling confident and ready to see our newest little family member. And that when God humbled me. He changed our plans. Baby #3 was also Baby #4. Twins!
What a surprise it was. And it shook me to the core.
On one hand, I was elated. TWO babies! We would have FOUR babies after all. And what a blessing. Identical twins....unexplained by science...but fully explained in the fact that God had created them and given them specifically into our care.
On the other hand, though, I was terrified. I had been running full force on my own pride, and this news was enough to shatter it. THIS I could not do. I was NOT ready for this. I did NOT choose this. For at least a month and then on and off throughout the rest of the pregnancy I had regular thoughts like this:
*God, we were going to have 3 and then SEE if I could handle 4. What makes you think I'm ready for this? I don't feel ready at all!
And then I'd hear God saying to my soul: You're right. You aren't ready and you can't handle it. You need me.
*God, why did you choose this for me? Don't you know I am not capable?
And then I'd hear God answering back to me: You aren't capable, but I can make you capable. I made you, I designed you, I gave you these babies, I will sustain you....just TRUST me.
*God, aren't babies supposed to be blessings? Why then, do I feel like this is such a trial? I don't WANT to feel like my blessings are trials!
And then I'd hear God say: Why do you feel like they are trials? Why do you feel like one baby was a blessing but adding another baby is a burden? Are you trusting ME or are you listening to what others have to say?
Over the months of my pregnancy, God worked significantly on my heart. He taught me hour by hour (minute by minute..even) that while He made me the mother I was, and while I had a pretty good grasp on things, that I NEEDED Him...continually...constantly. He showed me His faithfulness. He showed me His provision. I have story upon story during that time where God grabbed me and MADE me listen and poured out His grace and revealed more of Himself to me.
And the best part?
We were DONE! Hurray! No more wondering. No more questioning. No more research.
We had wanted 3 or 4. We were have 4. The Plan, although quite changed from the original plan, was almost done. Almost finished. And with a quick little procedure for my very brave husband and a few days of recovery, we'd be home-free.
The beginning of April, I had my first postpartum period.
Six weeks (and a few negative pregnancy tests...just to be sure) later, in the middle of May, I had another.
Another six weeks went by and still no period. And so another test. With a faint 2nd line. It was beautiful. It was the end of June. Ryken was 11 months old. And Baby #3 was coming.
I wasn't nervous. The transition from 1 baby to 2 was so easy for me. People had scared me my whole pregnancy and I had scared myself. I was worried about the fact that Kenzie would have to share me. I was afraid she wouldn't be ready. I didn't know how I'd stretch myself. But then Ryken came and we were all happy afterall. As Ryken got bigger, he and Kenzie became buddies and I could see the many ways that a cl0se-in-age sibling was a GOOD thing for my baby-girl. And so, I knew the same would be for baby #3. I had had 2 easy pregnancies. I had had 2 smooth deliveries. I had breastfed 2 babies successfully with few difficulties. It would be a piece of cake : ) I had it all under control (insert through-the-roof PRIDEFULNESS)
And so it began. The pregnancy wasn't really bad, but it was worse than I had remembered. I was SO SO tired. But then again, it WAS the middle of summer and the heat always makes me tired. And I did have TWO babies to take care of this time instead of just one.
And I was SO SO hungry. But I was still nursing Ryken. And I was chasing after TWO babies, instead of just one.
So the first few weeks flew by and before I knew it my first OB appointment was upon us. We walked in feeling confident and ready to see our newest little family member. And that when God humbled me. He changed our plans. Baby #3 was also Baby #4. Twins!
What a surprise it was. And it shook me to the core.
On one hand, I was elated. TWO babies! We would have FOUR babies after all. And what a blessing. Identical twins....unexplained by science...but fully explained in the fact that God had created them and given them specifically into our care.
On the other hand, though, I was terrified. I had been running full force on my own pride, and this news was enough to shatter it. THIS I could not do. I was NOT ready for this. I did NOT choose this. For at least a month and then on and off throughout the rest of the pregnancy I had regular thoughts like this:
*God, we were going to have 3 and then SEE if I could handle 4. What makes you think I'm ready for this? I don't feel ready at all!
And then I'd hear God saying to my soul: You're right. You aren't ready and you can't handle it. You need me.
*God, why did you choose this for me? Don't you know I am not capable?
And then I'd hear God answering back to me: You aren't capable, but I can make you capable. I made you, I designed you, I gave you these babies, I will sustain you....just TRUST me.
*God, aren't babies supposed to be blessings? Why then, do I feel like this is such a trial? I don't WANT to feel like my blessings are trials!
And then I'd hear God say: Why do you feel like they are trials? Why do you feel like one baby was a blessing but adding another baby is a burden? Are you trusting ME or are you listening to what others have to say?
Over the months of my pregnancy, God worked significantly on my heart. He taught me hour by hour (minute by minute..even) that while He made me the mother I was, and while I had a pretty good grasp on things, that I NEEDED Him...continually...constantly. He showed me His faithfulness. He showed me His provision. I have story upon story during that time where God grabbed me and MADE me listen and poured out His grace and revealed more of Himself to me.
And the best part?
We were DONE! Hurray! No more wondering. No more questioning. No more research.
We had wanted 3 or 4. We were have 4. The Plan, although quite changed from the original plan, was almost done. Almost finished. And with a quick little procedure for my very brave husband and a few days of recovery, we'd be home-free.
Change of plans...take 2.
Sometime between that first diaphragm fitting appointment that didn't happen and the day the doctor's office called me back a few weeks later to reschedule, we decided to change plans again.
At that point, I didn't like the idea of a diaphragm. I don't know why. It just seemed unnatural and uncomfortable and I hated the idea that I'd have to "cap things off" each night just in case we wanted to be together. It didn't go together in my head. It still doesn't, really, even though I don't think it is "wrong" per say.
And so, I decided maybe we should just have our three kids close and be done with it. I was really sad...I had always wanted 4 kids. But I KNEW that would be too much work. Chip's parents had stopped after having 3 close together...it was too much to handle. And my parents took a break after 2...waiting to have me and my younger sister. My mom needed to rest.
Chip and I talked about it and we decided that maybe things would be different, but that we didn't need to decide about 3 or 4 right then. Chip reassured me that we could "see how things go". We'd have our 3rd close together, and then we'd see...maybe we could have a 4th close together too.
I was relieved. And thankful. Thankful that my husband was wise enough to see that we didn't have to have it all planned out. We could give ourselves some wiggle room. There was flexibility in The Plan.
And so....we continued to let things run their course and I was at peace.
At that point, I didn't like the idea of a diaphragm. I don't know why. It just seemed unnatural and uncomfortable and I hated the idea that I'd have to "cap things off" each night just in case we wanted to be together. It didn't go together in my head. It still doesn't, really, even though I don't think it is "wrong" per say.
And so, I decided maybe we should just have our three kids close and be done with it. I was really sad...I had always wanted 4 kids. But I KNEW that would be too much work. Chip's parents had stopped after having 3 close together...it was too much to handle. And my parents took a break after 2...waiting to have me and my younger sister. My mom needed to rest.
Chip and I talked about it and we decided that maybe things would be different, but that we didn't need to decide about 3 or 4 right then. Chip reassured me that we could "see how things go". We'd have our 3rd close together, and then we'd see...maybe we could have a 4th close together too.
I was relieved. And thankful. Thankful that my husband was wise enough to see that we didn't have to have it all planned out. We could give ourselves some wiggle room. There was flexibility in The Plan.
And so....we continued to let things run their course and I was at peace.
Unexplained anxiety
So Ryken was born in July of 2008.
We had our new plan. And it was a good one.
Breastfeeding (and "crossing our fingers [trusting God]"...I say it like that because I was quick to SAY we were "trusting God" on the outside, but I was equally as quick to be "crossing my fingers" in my heart)for 6 months. Then a diaphragm and spermicide.
And so the first 5 months flew by. And it was time to figure things out.
I asked around and found a doctors office that would prescribe a diaphragm. I made my appointment for January...5 1/2 months postpartum.
The day of the appointment came.
I walked into the waiting room and I felt quite uncomfortable. It was strange for me because I don't usually mind doctors appointments. I'm good with just about anything...shots, blood draws, pap smears....they don't make me nervous. And yet. I was nervous. Or maybe anxious. But I didn't know why.
I paid my co-pay. I filled out my new patient forms. I sat and waited.
Finally they called me back. I was taken to a room and I think they even had me undress and sit in a gown. And then the medical assistant came in. She came in and was very apologetic right from the start. Apparently, there was a new type of diaphragm they were going to be prescribing in just a couple of weeks. But they didn't have the new kits to fit the new diaphragms. She told me if they would have realized why I was coming in they would have postponed my appointment. I COULD have them fit the old type and get it for one month, but then I'd have to come back and get re-fitted for the new one. And really they didn't recommend that since the whole purpose of the new one was because they didn't want to use the old one for whatever reason.
So I left. And I felt free.
I told them to call me when the new kits came in and I'd reschedule. I'd already paid my copay for the appointment. And so, I'd face it all again...but I had a little more time.
We had our new plan. And it was a good one.
Breastfeeding (and "crossing our fingers [trusting God]"...I say it like that because I was quick to SAY we were "trusting God" on the outside, but I was equally as quick to be "crossing my fingers" in my heart)for 6 months. Then a diaphragm and spermicide.
And so the first 5 months flew by. And it was time to figure things out.
I asked around and found a doctors office that would prescribe a diaphragm. I made my appointment for January...5 1/2 months postpartum.
The day of the appointment came.
I walked into the waiting room and I felt quite uncomfortable. It was strange for me because I don't usually mind doctors appointments. I'm good with just about anything...shots, blood draws, pap smears....they don't make me nervous. And yet. I was nervous. Or maybe anxious. But I didn't know why.
I paid my co-pay. I filled out my new patient forms. I sat and waited.
Finally they called me back. I was taken to a room and I think they even had me undress and sit in a gown. And then the medical assistant came in. She came in and was very apologetic right from the start. Apparently, there was a new type of diaphragm they were going to be prescribing in just a couple of weeks. But they didn't have the new kits to fit the new diaphragms. She told me if they would have realized why I was coming in they would have postponed my appointment. I COULD have them fit the old type and get it for one month, but then I'd have to come back and get re-fitted for the new one. And really they didn't recommend that since the whole purpose of the new one was because they didn't want to use the old one for whatever reason.
So I left. And I felt free.
I told them to call me when the new kits came in and I'd reschedule. I'd already paid my copay for the appointment. And so, I'd face it all again...but I had a little more time.
I will always wonder
As I came to the conclusion about the Pill, breakthrough ovulation, and the thinning of the uterine lining, I couldn't help but let my mind wander back to the time shortly after we were married.
Before all my reading, I had never wondered again What If? I mean, I had taken a pregnancy test. And it had been negative.
But that was before I knew the details about pregnancy and how pregnancy tests work. A pregnancy test measures a hormone called human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). This hormone is produced AFTER a baby implants into the uterus. Therefore, it is entirely possible to have a fertilized egg....a baby...and have no hCG....and a negative pregnancy test.
Now, I will always wonder.
I missed 2 pills. We used no "back up" method. I was 4 days late. And I bled significantly more than any other periods I had in quite awhile.
It is entirely possible that all of the symptoms were simply caused by the inconsistency of the hormones I was taking. It is entirely possible that there was never any baby. Maybe there was never even an egg released.
But it is also entirely possible that there was a baby. My baby. And that my uterus couldn't support that baby. And that my little one was flushed out of my body as a result of my choices to take those hormones...you know...the ones I was taking because it wasn't really a good time yet and we needed "our time" together.
Well...after getting to know Makenzie Rose for 3 1/2 years, Ryken Chip for 27 months, and Cason Roy & Emerson Earl for 9 months, I can tell you that I am quite confident that if there WAS a baby...if I DID conceive...that my baby would have been worth it. It would have been a good time. And "our time" together would have only been better with that baby.
And it makes me sad.
I don't feel guilty. I've handed it over to the Lord. He knew what my heart was then, and He knows what my heart is now. He used people, literature, and most of all his Holy Spirit to convict me and I have repented and I know I am covered by His blood. I know I am forgiven.
Some of you may say that I don't even know if there was a baby and I am being extreme. But that's not the point. The point is my heart. The point is the reasoning behind my actions. The point is that I chose not to educate myself fully in this area. I chose to be ignorant in an area that is fully deserving of being attentive and educated and respectful to the One who created our bodies and who creates within our bodies.
And so. I will always wonder. And I will always be grateful for the gifts of the atoning blood of Jesus, the faith He's given me, the process of sanctification, and His forgiveness. I am a work in progress. And I am so glad He keeps working to change my heart.
Before all my reading, I had never wondered again What If? I mean, I had taken a pregnancy test. And it had been negative.
But that was before I knew the details about pregnancy and how pregnancy tests work. A pregnancy test measures a hormone called human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). This hormone is produced AFTER a baby implants into the uterus. Therefore, it is entirely possible to have a fertilized egg....a baby...and have no hCG....and a negative pregnancy test.
Now, I will always wonder.
I missed 2 pills. We used no "back up" method. I was 4 days late. And I bled significantly more than any other periods I had in quite awhile.
It is entirely possible that all of the symptoms were simply caused by the inconsistency of the hormones I was taking. It is entirely possible that there was never any baby. Maybe there was never even an egg released.
But it is also entirely possible that there was a baby. My baby. And that my uterus couldn't support that baby. And that my little one was flushed out of my body as a result of my choices to take those hormones...you know...the ones I was taking because it wasn't really a good time yet and we needed "our time" together.
Well...after getting to know Makenzie Rose for 3 1/2 years, Ryken Chip for 27 months, and Cason Roy & Emerson Earl for 9 months, I can tell you that I am quite confident that if there WAS a baby...if I DID conceive...that my baby would have been worth it. It would have been a good time. And "our time" together would have only been better with that baby.
And it makes me sad.
I don't feel guilty. I've handed it over to the Lord. He knew what my heart was then, and He knows what my heart is now. He used people, literature, and most of all his Holy Spirit to convict me and I have repented and I know I am covered by His blood. I know I am forgiven.
Some of you may say that I don't even know if there was a baby and I am being extreme. But that's not the point. The point is my heart. The point is the reasoning behind my actions. The point is that I chose not to educate myself fully in this area. I chose to be ignorant in an area that is fully deserving of being attentive and educated and respectful to the One who created our bodies and who creates within our bodies.
And so. I will always wonder. And I will always be grateful for the gifts of the atoning blood of Jesus, the faith He's given me, the process of sanctification, and His forgiveness. I am a work in progress. And I am so glad He keeps working to change my heart.
The arguments start to break down
So there I was.
I was 22 years old.
I was loving my beautiful baby girl.
And I was growing bigger each day with my precious baby boy.
And I was once again in the position of trying to figure things out....trying to figure out the next "execution" of THE PLAN.
It was during this pregnancy that my arguments for taking the combination pill started to break down in my mind. The first argument had been that my INTENTION in taking the pill was to prevent ovulation.
There was a big problem I had to face though.
That was a FINE intention when that was the only thing I believe the Pill to do. But now I knew better. Now I had 2 valuable pieces of information that I couldn't ignore or pretend didn't exist, even if I did want to at the time.
I KNEW that ovulation DOES sometimes occur...even if the purpose of the pill is to prevent it. Even with *perfect* use there are pregnancies reported, which shows, in fact, that ovulation can and does happen.
I also KNEW that the tiny little pills I would be CHOOSING to put in my mouth would be working against my body and making my womb an inhospitable place for any of MY new babies that happened to find themselves there. Whether I WANTED them to be there or not...whether it was my INTENTION for them to be there or not, was no longer the issue. IF...if there was even a CHANCE that for whatever reason the Pill didn't work and I did ovulate and that egg did get fertilized and our little baby WAS in me, I could not handle knowing that I was purposely putting something into my mouth that would be making my body anything but safe for that baby....especially given the fact that the ONLY reason I was taking it was to "prevent" that baby from being.
I also started to really feel the conviction of the "testing" aspect I was placing on God....trying to make Him take full responsibility for keeping my babies safe inside of me, instead of doing my best to keep my own body a safe place for the babies He might send, even ones sent when I thought the timing wasn't right and when I was trying to "use wisdom" and keep them away.
I think something that largely impacted my feelings on this issue was the fact that I had Kenzie to look at and hold and I was more fully aware of just exactly WHAT it was I was saying "no" to. My instincts were to protect her fully and fiercely. I knew that Kenzie was the girl I was getting to know for the time her DNA came together. She was Kenzie. And she was my baby. And to know that another baby could possibly be inside of me at some point made me want to protect and love that baby just as much, so that I'd get the chance to meet them and hold them in my arms and kiss their sweet face.
And so. We were really in trouble.
Now, not only were were trying to figure out what to do during the breastfeeding period, but we were also trying to figure out what to do after that. Our options had been:
*2 close/4 year space/2 close
OR
*3 close
There was one more option, which seemed quite unlikely....that was 4 close. But I could never to that. I knew that was a crazy option.
So. We read and researched and prayed and talked and came to this conclusion:
We'd have Ryken. We'd HOPE that breastfeeding worked for the first 6 months. If it did not, then I'd have 3 close and we'd be done. At 6 months postpartum, I would get fitted for a diaphragm and we'd use spermacide. Then we'd decide if we wanted 3 close or if that method worked well, we'd try to figure out my fertile days and use the barrier/spermicide method to attempt a bigger space.
But by this point I knew that I would never use the Pill as contraception again.
I was 22 years old.
I was loving my beautiful baby girl.
And I was growing bigger each day with my precious baby boy.
And I was once again in the position of trying to figure things out....trying to figure out the next "execution" of THE PLAN.
It was during this pregnancy that my arguments for taking the combination pill started to break down in my mind. The first argument had been that my INTENTION in taking the pill was to prevent ovulation.
There was a big problem I had to face though.
That was a FINE intention when that was the only thing I believe the Pill to do. But now I knew better. Now I had 2 valuable pieces of information that I couldn't ignore or pretend didn't exist, even if I did want to at the time.
I KNEW that ovulation DOES sometimes occur...even if the purpose of the pill is to prevent it. Even with *perfect* use there are pregnancies reported, which shows, in fact, that ovulation can and does happen.
I also KNEW that the tiny little pills I would be CHOOSING to put in my mouth would be working against my body and making my womb an inhospitable place for any of MY new babies that happened to find themselves there. Whether I WANTED them to be there or not...whether it was my INTENTION for them to be there or not, was no longer the issue. IF...if there was even a CHANCE that for whatever reason the Pill didn't work and I did ovulate and that egg did get fertilized and our little baby WAS in me, I could not handle knowing that I was purposely putting something into my mouth that would be making my body anything but safe for that baby....especially given the fact that the ONLY reason I was taking it was to "prevent" that baby from being.
I also started to really feel the conviction of the "testing" aspect I was placing on God....trying to make Him take full responsibility for keeping my babies safe inside of me, instead of doing my best to keep my own body a safe place for the babies He might send, even ones sent when I thought the timing wasn't right and when I was trying to "use wisdom" and keep them away.
I think something that largely impacted my feelings on this issue was the fact that I had Kenzie to look at and hold and I was more fully aware of just exactly WHAT it was I was saying "no" to. My instincts were to protect her fully and fiercely. I knew that Kenzie was the girl I was getting to know for the time her DNA came together. She was Kenzie. And she was my baby. And to know that another baby could possibly be inside of me at some point made me want to protect and love that baby just as much, so that I'd get the chance to meet them and hold them in my arms and kiss their sweet face.
And so. We were really in trouble.
Now, not only were were trying to figure out what to do during the breastfeeding period, but we were also trying to figure out what to do after that. Our options had been:
*2 close/4 year space/2 close
OR
*3 close
There was one more option, which seemed quite unlikely....that was 4 close. But I could never to that. I knew that was a crazy option.
So. We read and researched and prayed and talked and came to this conclusion:
We'd have Ryken. We'd HOPE that breastfeeding worked for the first 6 months. If it did not, then I'd have 3 close and we'd be done. At 6 months postpartum, I would get fitted for a diaphragm and we'd use spermacide. Then we'd decide if we wanted 3 close or if that method worked well, we'd try to figure out my fertile days and use the barrier/spermicide method to attempt a bigger space.
But by this point I knew that I would never use the Pill as contraception again.
Baby! again
My doctor had told me that most of the time, women who are breastfeeding get a period to let them know they are fertile again. Sometimes this is an "un-fertile" cycle. And typically, even if you DID actually ovulate, the chances of conceiving on very first cycle (or apparently ANY cycle) is statistically only around 25% even if everything is timed "just right".
So I nursed Kenzie and waited for my "warning period". We weren't overly concerned about it, since we had decided that we didn't care how close babies #1 and #2 were anyway. My doctor told me that if I wanted to, I could test every once in awhile, just to make sure I didn't "happen" to get pregnant at the first drop of an egg.
So I stocked up on Dollar Tree tests. And I tested around once a month.
We decided it would be especially fun to test around the holidays. In October, Kenzie would be 6 months old and breastfeeding would be less "reliable".
Halloween came. No period. No baby.
Thanksgiving came. No period. No baby.
Christmas came. No period. BABY!!
Baby #2 was on the way and we couldn't wait. Our babies would be 16 months apart and we couldn't wait.
So I nursed Kenzie and waited for my "warning period". We weren't overly concerned about it, since we had decided that we didn't care how close babies #1 and #2 were anyway. My doctor told me that if I wanted to, I could test every once in awhile, just to make sure I didn't "happen" to get pregnant at the first drop of an egg.
So I stocked up on Dollar Tree tests. And I tested around once a month.
We decided it would be especially fun to test around the holidays. In October, Kenzie would be 6 months old and breastfeeding would be less "reliable".
Halloween came. No period. No baby.
Thanksgiving came. No period. No baby.
Christmas came. No period. BABY!!
Baby #2 was on the way and we couldn't wait. Our babies would be 16 months apart and we couldn't wait.
Postpartum planning...and a change of THE plan.
While I was pregnant with Kenzie, I continued to look at birth control options. I mean...the PLAN was to have baby #2 when baby #1 was about 2 years old. This meant not getting pregnant until baby #1 was around 15-16 months old.
So. I looked at my options.
Option #1. Birth control pills.
Problem #1: I had done enough research on the Pill at this point, that I had figured out there were two types. Combination pills (estrogen and progestin) and Progestin Only Pills (POPs or the minipill). The POPs are NOT consistent at preventing ovulation and primarily work through thickening cervical mucous and not allowing a proper uterine lining to form, making the uterus less hospitable to a baby.
So while I was still comfortable with combination pills where the JOB of the pill was to prevent me from ovulating, I couldn't justify taking the minipill. If I wanted to breastfeed, the Minipill was my only option.
So the Pill was out.
Problem #2: Barrier methods weren't our thing. I know it may be too much info, but they just made things seem less enjoyable...less natural. You had to plan things out more. We didn't feel as connected.
At the same time, I learned about the natural child-spacing benefits of breastfeeding. We decided the easiest thing would be to tweak our plan a little bit. I was already planning on breastfeeding...so, instead of trying so hard to put 2 years between baby #1 and baby #2, we decided to just utilize the "built in system". We realized that we'd be taking a "risk" since fertility could really return at any time. But we decided to practice trusting God for His timing.
So Kenzie was born in April 2007. And we did nothing but expectantly wait for the news of our next blessing.
*At this point, I was still TOTALLY "ok" with the combination pill and was fully expecting to use it again after baby #2. We still hadn't figured out what we were going to do while I nursed baby #2 but we figured we had some time and we'd figure it out later.
So. I looked at my options.
Option #1. Birth control pills.
Problem #1: I had done enough research on the Pill at this point, that I had figured out there were two types. Combination pills (estrogen and progestin) and Progestin Only Pills (POPs or the minipill). The POPs are NOT consistent at preventing ovulation and primarily work through thickening cervical mucous and not allowing a proper uterine lining to form, making the uterus less hospitable to a baby.
So while I was still comfortable with combination pills where the JOB of the pill was to prevent me from ovulating, I couldn't justify taking the minipill. If I wanted to breastfeed, the Minipill was my only option.
So the Pill was out.
Problem #2: Barrier methods weren't our thing. I know it may be too much info, but they just made things seem less enjoyable...less natural. You had to plan things out more. We didn't feel as connected.
At the same time, I learned about the natural child-spacing benefits of breastfeeding. We decided the easiest thing would be to tweak our plan a little bit. I was already planning on breastfeeding...so, instead of trying so hard to put 2 years between baby #1 and baby #2, we decided to just utilize the "built in system". We realized that we'd be taking a "risk" since fertility could really return at any time. But we decided to practice trusting God for His timing.
So Kenzie was born in April 2007. And we did nothing but expectantly wait for the news of our next blessing.
*At this point, I was still TOTALLY "ok" with the combination pill and was fully expecting to use it again after baby #2. We still hadn't figured out what we were going to do while I nursed baby #2 but we figured we had some time and we'd figure it out later.
Baby!
In July of 2006, WE were finally "ready". This really meant that Chip was ready. From the time of the "what if" pregnancy several months before, until that time, I had really gotten 'baby fever'. I had always wanted to be a mom. And when I thought there might be a baby, it just made me want one more. But I digress.
Like I said. WE were finally "ready".
WE had taken OUR year of "just us".
WE had better jobs so that WE could provide.
I should mention, that this whole time we definitely recognized that ultimately God is the giver of life. We knew that SHOULD we get pregnant, that it was His plan and that everything would be ok. We *thought* we were seeking His will in this area. We were *trying* to please Him. We WANTED Him to be glorified in us...in our marriage. We were VERY sincere. When I emphasize the "WE" and "OUR" above, I am doing it primarily to note the ways our hearts have been convicted. I am doing it to point out to MYSELF how much I disagree with where I was at. I do it to show myself where selfishness had crept in that I didn't realize existed at the time, but I now feel was very real in my heart at the time.
So anyway...basically, we finally felt comfortable to let things run their natural course...hoping that a baby would be the end result. We didn't try to time anything. We didn't try to stop anything. We just enjoyed each other normally, participating in husbandandwife-ly activities and a short four weeks later we were staring at a test with two pink lines and the exciting yet scary reality that we were less than a year away from changing our lives forever. We were headed into uncharted territory and there was no going back.
Like I said. WE were finally "ready".
WE had taken OUR year of "just us".
WE had better jobs so that WE could provide.
I should mention, that this whole time we definitely recognized that ultimately God is the giver of life. We knew that SHOULD we get pregnant, that it was His plan and that everything would be ok. We *thought* we were seeking His will in this area. We were *trying* to please Him. We WANTED Him to be glorified in us...in our marriage. We were VERY sincere. When I emphasize the "WE" and "OUR" above, I am doing it primarily to note the ways our hearts have been convicted. I am doing it to point out to MYSELF how much I disagree with where I was at. I do it to show myself where selfishness had crept in that I didn't realize existed at the time, but I now feel was very real in my heart at the time.
So anyway...basically, we finally felt comfortable to let things run their natural course...hoping that a baby would be the end result. We didn't try to time anything. We didn't try to stop anything. We just enjoyed each other normally, participating in husbandandwife-ly activities and a short four weeks later we were staring at a test with two pink lines and the exciting yet scary reality that we were less than a year away from changing our lives forever. We were headed into uncharted territory and there was no going back.
What I didn't know
There were some things I didn't know those first few months I was married and taking the Pill.
Things that, when I learned them, I didn't want to know.
Things that now, I wish I would have known.
#1. I knew the birth control pill prevented ovulation.
What I didn't know: Along with preventing ovulation, I was also making other critical changes to my reproductive organs....most importantly, I was quite deliberately (in action...not in intention since I didn't know) ruining the lining of my uterus. I was making my uterus a "less favorable" place of a new little life to settle in and receive nourishment.
#2. I knew I was preventing "pregnancy".
What I didn't know: In the medical community, especially since the introduction of the Pill, there has been a shift in terminology. Many times, pregnancy is now defined as beginning at the time that the blastocyst (fertilized egg...or as I like to say....baby) implants in the uterus. I was always defining pregnancy as the time that life starts...when the sperm and egg meet. I assumed that everyone was defining it that way.
These new pieces of information came to my attention a few months after my "missed pills/later period" incident.
When I learned these things, I was still not convicted. I continued to take the Pill. I found ways to justify my position.
My main argument was this:
*MY intention in taking the pill was to prevent ovulation, therefore preventing pregnancy. This is WHY I took it. I DON'T take the pill to ruin the lining of my uterus. It is just a *possible* side effect. (Throwing possible in there was to make myself feel better. It is more than possible. Not only has it been proven in several studies....but my own body was proving this side effect in the fact that my periods were VERY light and short after a few months of being on the Pill....why? Because my uterine lining was not thick and healthy, ready to support a growing baby)
*God could protect the baby. I'm not bigger than Him. I figured that IF a baby was conceived that God COULD allow my body to support the baby. (How arrogant of me, huh? Here I was, actively working to keep a little life out of my body...but IF God chose to make one in me anyway,then HE could keep it alive too.)
I fully believed these two arguments. They made sense to me. At the time, they gave me peace about popping those little colored pills in my mouth each day.
Afterall...we were being wise and responsible.
You know.... Babies take time. They take money. They are hard work. Oh yeah. But they are a blessing. Don't forget that part.
Things that, when I learned them, I didn't want to know.
Things that now, I wish I would have known.
#1. I knew the birth control pill prevented ovulation.
What I didn't know: Along with preventing ovulation, I was also making other critical changes to my reproductive organs....most importantly, I was quite deliberately (in action...not in intention since I didn't know) ruining the lining of my uterus. I was making my uterus a "less favorable" place of a new little life to settle in and receive nourishment.
#2. I knew I was preventing "pregnancy".
What I didn't know: In the medical community, especially since the introduction of the Pill, there has been a shift in terminology. Many times, pregnancy is now defined as beginning at the time that the blastocyst (fertilized egg...or as I like to say....baby) implants in the uterus. I was always defining pregnancy as the time that life starts...when the sperm and egg meet. I assumed that everyone was defining it that way.
These new pieces of information came to my attention a few months after my "missed pills/later period" incident.
When I learned these things, I was still not convicted. I continued to take the Pill. I found ways to justify my position.
My main argument was this:
*MY intention in taking the pill was to prevent ovulation, therefore preventing pregnancy. This is WHY I took it. I DON'T take the pill to ruin the lining of my uterus. It is just a *possible* side effect. (Throwing possible in there was to make myself feel better. It is more than possible. Not only has it been proven in several studies....but my own body was proving this side effect in the fact that my periods were VERY light and short after a few months of being on the Pill....why? Because my uterine lining was not thick and healthy, ready to support a growing baby)
*God could protect the baby. I'm not bigger than Him. I figured that IF a baby was conceived that God COULD allow my body to support the baby. (How arrogant of me, huh? Here I was, actively working to keep a little life out of my body...but IF God chose to make one in me anyway,then HE could keep it alive too.)
I fully believed these two arguments. They made sense to me. At the time, they gave me peace about popping those little colored pills in my mouth each day.
Afterall...we were being wise and responsible.
You know.... Babies take time. They take money. They are hard work. Oh yeah. But they are a blessing. Don't forget that part.
What if?
About 2 months after we got married I forgot to take my birth control pills 2 days in a row. Oops. So I got out my little birth control pamphlet and read the instructions. The instructions told me to take 2 pills that day and then to take 2 pills the next day.
Great. No problem.
The day for my period came and went. I knew it might be a little bit "messed up" since I had missed the pills. Another day or two went by. No period.
And the question began to creep into my mind: What if?
What if there WAS a baby?
Would it really be SO bad?
We weren't "ready" for a baby.
We didn't have good jobs.
How would WE make it work?
We'd trust God.
We'd believe it was His plan and that this baby was from Him and He'd provide.
It would be ok, but definitely NOT ideal.
I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative. About 4 days late I started my period.
Phew! Our plan wasn't messed up after all. We wouldn't have to rely on God more...we wouldn't have to give up "our time" yet...we wouldn't have to be uncomfortable.
Great. No problem.
The day for my period came and went. I knew it might be a little bit "messed up" since I had missed the pills. Another day or two went by. No period.
And the question began to creep into my mind: What if?
What if there WAS a baby?
Would it really be SO bad?
We weren't "ready" for a baby.
We didn't have good jobs.
How would WE make it work?
We'd trust God.
We'd believe it was His plan and that this baby was from Him and He'd provide.
It would be ok, but definitely NOT ideal.
I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative. About 4 days late I started my period.
Phew! Our plan wasn't messed up after all. We wouldn't have to rely on God more...we wouldn't have to give up "our time" yet...we wouldn't have to be uncomfortable.
Background. Where We Started.
This question came up quite unexpectedly for me.
A little bit of background:
Chip and I have been married for 5 years. We've always been "on the same page" regarding our family size.
When we went through our marriage counseling, we decided that we wanted 3 or 4 kids. It's what WE wanted. Chip came from a family of 3. He enjoyed it. I came from a family of 4. I enjoyed it. We have always agreed with the idea that "children are blessings". We have always valued family, believing that family was designed by God.
When we got married, we had it all figured out. Here was our plan:
Take birth control pills and wait AT LEAST a year and then have a baby. Have another baby about 2 years later. Then evaluate. Either wait another 2ish years, have our 3rd baby and be done OR wait 4-5 years, have a 3rd then 2 more years and have a 4th. It was a perfect plan.
Things I KNEW at that point:
* I COULDN'T handle more than 3 kids close together. That would be nuts. If we had 4 kids there would HAVE to be a significant space in between "sets" so I could rest and regroup.
* We needed to wait AT LEAST a year to "enjoy" our "alone time" before we had kids that would "take up" all of our time and attention.
This was THE plan.
I felt good about the plan. Here were reasons it was a "good" plan:
*God gave me the desire for "that many" kids. So it must be right for me.
*Other Christians I looked up to and were seeking counsel from encouraged the use of birth control, especially the Pill...afterall, it was VERY effective and didn't cause abortions. It was being wise.
And so we were married and started working toward The Plan.
And we were happy.
And things were good.
A little bit of background:
Chip and I have been married for 5 years. We've always been "on the same page" regarding our family size.
When we went through our marriage counseling, we decided that we wanted 3 or 4 kids. It's what WE wanted. Chip came from a family of 3. He enjoyed it. I came from a family of 4. I enjoyed it. We have always agreed with the idea that "children are blessings". We have always valued family, believing that family was designed by God.
When we got married, we had it all figured out. Here was our plan:
Take birth control pills and wait AT LEAST a year and then have a baby. Have another baby about 2 years later. Then evaluate. Either wait another 2ish years, have our 3rd baby and be done OR wait 4-5 years, have a 3rd then 2 more years and have a 4th. It was a perfect plan.
Things I KNEW at that point:
* I COULDN'T handle more than 3 kids close together. That would be nuts. If we had 4 kids there would HAVE to be a significant space in between "sets" so I could rest and regroup.
* We needed to wait AT LEAST a year to "enjoy" our "alone time" before we had kids that would "take up" all of our time and attention.
This was THE plan.
I felt good about the plan. Here were reasons it was a "good" plan:
*God gave me the desire for "that many" kids. So it must be right for me.
*Other Christians I looked up to and were seeking counsel from encouraged the use of birth control, especially the Pill...afterall, it was VERY effective and didn't cause abortions. It was being wise.
And so we were married and started working toward The Plan.
And we were happy.
And things were good.
10.26.2010
Trying To Figure It All Out
I am starting this blog to document the journey I find myself on during this process of sanctification.
I find myself thinking about our purpose here on earth and if my life reflects the things I say I believe. God is constantly using prayer, the Bible, other believers, and His Holy Spirit to challenge me and change me.
Lately, He has grabbed my attention quite firmly and relentlessly on the issue of birth control and family size. Ultimately, though, I am realizing more and more that while He is using this specific issue to "grab my attention" that what He is really doing is causing me to stop and really take a look at my life. He is causing me to think and re-think and evaluate and discuss and read and seek Him on some areas of life that I have chosen to be comfortable and somewhat "safe" on before this time.
Ultimately, what He is teaching me overall, is that while I KNOW that I should be seeking Him, trusting Him and trying to glorify Him and Him alone in ALL areas of my life and while I know that I fail at this miserably, that there are some areas He is calling me to specifically examine which will quite possibly change my worldview and my view of Him quite significantly.
I am writing all of this because I want to document this journey. I want to write to process. I want to write to be able to see the ways I've changed and to see how God continues to change me. And I want to write to challenge other and hopefully encourage others to be seeking Him entirely in everything.
I have not come close to figuring all of this out. I do not claim to have it all figured out. But I am growing and changing and learning to seek God and trust Him in new ways.
Like I said earlier, this search started as I found myself questioning birth control, but as questions arose in my mind about this topic and I sought out answers, it quickly turned into a much broader journey, challenging my thoughts and beliefs in several other areas as well.
Here is a list (not comprehensive, but I will add as more come up) of questions. I am trying to put them in the order that they come to my mind. I realize that some of them need clarification and some of them lead to multiple OTHER questions. This is part of what this blog is for, a place that I can hopefully separate the issues and look at what I believe about them and then seek to apply what I believe in my life.
So....how my mind is working...remember, these are MY questions for OUR FAMILY....myself and my husband. The initial question I sat down to figure out was:
* What are the Biblical reasons and arguments to support "permanent birth control" (tubal ligation, vasectomy)?
From there:
* Why are we considering permanent birth control?
* Are these reasons Biblically based and are our hearts in the right place? Do these reasons glorify God and make Him pleased? What do these reasons show about our beliefs?
* What does the Bible say and what do I believe about God's role in procreation?
* What does the Bible say and what do I believe about our responsibility as well as God's role in providing for our needs and the needs of our children?
* What are our needs? Are my views of needs vs wants shaped by the Bible or by our society?
* What do I believe about contentment? Am I actively living out this belief?
* What does the Bible say about wealth and enjoying blessings?
* What does the Bible say about our responsibilities and using the wisdom He has given to us?
* What do I believe about the sovereignty of God and what does it look like to actively live this belief out?
I hope to be able to use this blog to organize these thoughts somewhat and share what I am wrestling with and the "conclusions" I am coming to. I use that term loosely, as God is showing me quite strongly that while I am (and ALL who confess that Jesus is Lord and believe in their hearts that God raised him from the dead are) being sanctified, He will constantly be growing us and shaping us, causing our "conclusions" and convictions to be changing and transforming as well.
At the same time, we HAVE to make choices in our lives based on what we believe. Even though I KNOW that I am still so very far from where I need to be, I have to make the best decisions I can with the current knowledge and convictions I hold.
The interesting thing, is that when believers hold different convictions, it can cause us to become defensive and ultimately unnecessarily divided. Ultimately, I believe that the most important thing is the condition of our hearts. I believe that we are called to be actively seeking God's will in ALL areas of our lives, and looking at the deeper questions behind what motives are driving our decisions and actions.
Please know that I write all of this in light of MY OWN LIFE. I am not trying to figure out your beliefs for you or hold you to my current convictions. I WOULD however challenge you to examine your own heart in these areas. I am confident that there will be Christians who are across the board on some of these issues and that holding a different view does not make us more or less "saved".
The amazing thing is that we are ALL sinners and none of us are even close to having it all right and figured out. Ultimately the only way we really please God in anything at all is because we are covered by the righteousness of Christ, through His blood and death and burial and ultimately the resurrection.
But we still have to make choices. We still have to make decisions and live our lives. God gives us the tools to do these things and once our heart has been changed, it is our desire to glorify Him and live "set apart" from this world. The hard part is figuring out what the looks like and then doing it, especially since it will look differently for every believer.
I find myself thinking about our purpose here on earth and if my life reflects the things I say I believe. God is constantly using prayer, the Bible, other believers, and His Holy Spirit to challenge me and change me.
Lately, He has grabbed my attention quite firmly and relentlessly on the issue of birth control and family size. Ultimately, though, I am realizing more and more that while He is using this specific issue to "grab my attention" that what He is really doing is causing me to stop and really take a look at my life. He is causing me to think and re-think and evaluate and discuss and read and seek Him on some areas of life that I have chosen to be comfortable and somewhat "safe" on before this time.
Ultimately, what He is teaching me overall, is that while I KNOW that I should be seeking Him, trusting Him and trying to glorify Him and Him alone in ALL areas of my life and while I know that I fail at this miserably, that there are some areas He is calling me to specifically examine which will quite possibly change my worldview and my view of Him quite significantly.
I am writing all of this because I want to document this journey. I want to write to process. I want to write to be able to see the ways I've changed and to see how God continues to change me. And I want to write to challenge other and hopefully encourage others to be seeking Him entirely in everything.
I have not come close to figuring all of this out. I do not claim to have it all figured out. But I am growing and changing and learning to seek God and trust Him in new ways.
Like I said earlier, this search started as I found myself questioning birth control, but as questions arose in my mind about this topic and I sought out answers, it quickly turned into a much broader journey, challenging my thoughts and beliefs in several other areas as well.
Here is a list (not comprehensive, but I will add as more come up) of questions. I am trying to put them in the order that they come to my mind. I realize that some of them need clarification and some of them lead to multiple OTHER questions. This is part of what this blog is for, a place that I can hopefully separate the issues and look at what I believe about them and then seek to apply what I believe in my life.
So....how my mind is working...remember, these are MY questions for OUR FAMILY....myself and my husband. The initial question I sat down to figure out was:
* What are the Biblical reasons and arguments to support "permanent birth control" (tubal ligation, vasectomy)?
From there:
* Why are we considering permanent birth control?
* Are these reasons Biblically based and are our hearts in the right place? Do these reasons glorify God and make Him pleased? What do these reasons show about our beliefs?
* What does the Bible say and what do I believe about God's role in procreation?
* What does the Bible say and what do I believe about our responsibility as well as God's role in providing for our needs and the needs of our children?
* What are our needs? Are my views of needs vs wants shaped by the Bible or by our society?
* What do I believe about contentment? Am I actively living out this belief?
* What does the Bible say about wealth and enjoying blessings?
* What does the Bible say about our responsibilities and using the wisdom He has given to us?
* What do I believe about the sovereignty of God and what does it look like to actively live this belief out?
I hope to be able to use this blog to organize these thoughts somewhat and share what I am wrestling with and the "conclusions" I am coming to. I use that term loosely, as God is showing me quite strongly that while I am (and ALL who confess that Jesus is Lord and believe in their hearts that God raised him from the dead are) being sanctified, He will constantly be growing us and shaping us, causing our "conclusions" and convictions to be changing and transforming as well.
At the same time, we HAVE to make choices in our lives based on what we believe. Even though I KNOW that I am still so very far from where I need to be, I have to make the best decisions I can with the current knowledge and convictions I hold.
The interesting thing, is that when believers hold different convictions, it can cause us to become defensive and ultimately unnecessarily divided. Ultimately, I believe that the most important thing is the condition of our hearts. I believe that we are called to be actively seeking God's will in ALL areas of our lives, and looking at the deeper questions behind what motives are driving our decisions and actions.
Please know that I write all of this in light of MY OWN LIFE. I am not trying to figure out your beliefs for you or hold you to my current convictions. I WOULD however challenge you to examine your own heart in these areas. I am confident that there will be Christians who are across the board on some of these issues and that holding a different view does not make us more or less "saved".
The amazing thing is that we are ALL sinners and none of us are even close to having it all right and figured out. Ultimately the only way we really please God in anything at all is because we are covered by the righteousness of Christ, through His blood and death and burial and ultimately the resurrection.
But we still have to make choices. We still have to make decisions and live our lives. God gives us the tools to do these things and once our heart has been changed, it is our desire to glorify Him and live "set apart" from this world. The hard part is figuring out what the looks like and then doing it, especially since it will look differently for every believer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)