Baby! again and again

Ryken turned 8 months old at the end of March.

The beginning of April, I had my first postpartum period.

Six weeks (and a few negative pregnancy tests...just to be sure) later, in the middle of May, I had another.

Another six weeks went by and still no period. And so another test. With a faint 2nd line. It was beautiful. It was the end of June. Ryken was 11 months old. And Baby #3 was coming.

I wasn't nervous. The transition from 1 baby to 2 was so easy for me. People had scared me my whole pregnancy and I had scared myself. I was worried about the fact that Kenzie would have to share me. I was afraid she wouldn't be ready. I didn't know how I'd stretch myself. But then Ryken came and we were all happy afterall. As Ryken got bigger, he and Kenzie became buddies and I could see the many ways that a cl0se-in-age sibling was a GOOD thing for my baby-girl. And so, I knew the same would be for baby #3. I had had 2 easy pregnancies. I had had 2 smooth deliveries. I had breastfed 2 babies successfully with few difficulties. It would be a piece of cake : ) I had it all under control (insert through-the-roof PRIDEFULNESS)

And so it began. The pregnancy wasn't really bad, but it was worse than I had remembered. I was SO SO tired. But then again, it WAS the middle of summer and the heat always makes me tired. And I did have TWO babies to take care of this time instead of just one.

And I was SO SO hungry. But I was still nursing Ryken. And I was chasing after TWO babies, instead of just one.

So the first few weeks flew by and before I knew it my first OB appointment was upon us. We walked in feeling confident and ready to see our newest little family member. And that when God humbled me. He changed our plans. Baby #3 was also Baby #4. Twins!

What a surprise it was. And it shook me to the core.

On one hand, I was elated. TWO babies! We would have FOUR babies after all. And what a blessing. Identical twins....unexplained by science...but fully explained in the fact that God had created them and given them specifically into our care.

On the other hand, though, I was terrified. I had been running full force on my own pride, and this news was enough to shatter it. THIS I could not do. I was NOT ready for this. I did NOT choose this. For at least a month and then on and off throughout the rest of the pregnancy I had regular thoughts like this:
*God, we were going to have 3 and then SEE if I could handle 4. What makes you think I'm ready for this? I don't feel ready at all!
And then I'd hear God saying to my soul: You're right. You aren't ready and you can't handle it. You need me.

*God, why did you choose this for me? Don't you know I am not capable?
And then I'd hear God answering back to me: You aren't capable, but I can make you capable. I made you, I designed you, I gave you these babies, I will sustain you....just TRUST me.

*God, aren't babies supposed to be blessings? Why then, do I feel like this is such a trial? I don't WANT to feel like my blessings are trials!
And then I'd hear God say: Why do you feel like they are trials? Why do you feel like one baby was a blessing but adding another baby is a burden? Are you trusting ME or are you listening to what others have to say?

Over the months of my pregnancy, God worked significantly on my heart. He taught me hour by hour (minute by minute..even) that while He made me the mother I was, and while I had a pretty good grasp on things, that I NEEDED Him...continually...constantly. He showed me His faithfulness. He showed me His provision. I have story upon story during that time where God grabbed me and MADE me listen and poured out His grace and revealed more of Himself to me.

And the best part?

We were DONE! Hurray! No more wondering. No more questioning. No more research.

We had wanted 3 or 4. We were have 4. The Plan, although quite changed from the original plan, was almost done. Almost finished. And with a quick little procedure for my very brave husband and a few days of recovery, we'd be home-free.