The arguments start to break down

So there I was.

I was 22 years old.

I was loving my beautiful baby girl.

And I was growing bigger each day with my precious baby boy.

And I was once again in the position of trying to figure things out....trying to figure out the next "execution" of THE PLAN.

It was during this pregnancy that my arguments for taking the combination pill started to break down in my mind. The first argument had been that my INTENTION in taking the pill was to prevent ovulation.

There was a big problem I had to face though.

That was a FINE intention when that was the only thing I believe the Pill to do. But now I knew better. Now I had 2 valuable pieces of information that I couldn't ignore or pretend didn't exist, even if I did want to at the time.

I KNEW that ovulation DOES sometimes occur...even if the purpose of the pill is to prevent it. Even with *perfect* use there are pregnancies reported, which shows, in fact, that ovulation can and does happen.

I also KNEW that the tiny little pills I would be CHOOSING to put in my mouth would be working against my body and making my womb an inhospitable place for any of MY new babies that happened to find themselves there. Whether I WANTED them to be there or not...whether it was my INTENTION for them to be there or not, was no longer the issue. IF...if there was even a CHANCE that for whatever reason the Pill didn't work and I did ovulate and that egg did get fertilized and our little baby WAS in me, I could not handle knowing that I was purposely putting something into my mouth that would be making my body anything but safe for that baby....especially given the fact that the ONLY reason I was taking it was to "prevent" that baby from being.

I also started to really feel the conviction of the "testing" aspect I was placing on God....trying to make Him take full responsibility for keeping my babies safe inside of me, instead of doing my best to keep my own body a safe place for the babies He might send, even ones sent when I thought the timing wasn't right and when I was trying to "use wisdom" and keep them away.

I think something that largely impacted my feelings on this issue was the fact that I had Kenzie to look at and hold and I was more fully aware of just exactly WHAT it was I was saying "no" to. My instincts were to protect her fully and fiercely. I knew that Kenzie was the girl I was getting to know for the time her DNA came together. She was Kenzie. And she was my baby. And to know that another baby could possibly be inside of me at some point made me want to protect and love that baby just as much, so that I'd get the chance to meet them and hold them in my arms and kiss their sweet face.

And so. We were really in trouble.

Now, not only were were trying to figure out what to do during the breastfeeding period, but we were also trying to figure out what to do after that. Our options had been:
*2 close/4 year space/2 close
OR
*3 close

There was one more option, which seemed quite unlikely....that was 4 close. But I could never to that. I knew that was a crazy option.

So. We read and researched and prayed and talked and came to this conclusion:
We'd have Ryken. We'd HOPE that breastfeeding worked for the first 6 months. If it did not, then I'd have 3 close and we'd be done. At 6 months postpartum, I would get fitted for a diaphragm and we'd use spermacide. Then we'd decide if we wanted 3 close or if that method worked well, we'd try to figure out my fertile days and use the barrier/spermicide method to attempt a bigger space.

But by this point I knew that I would never use the Pill as contraception again.