I will always wonder

As I came to the conclusion about the Pill, breakthrough ovulation, and the thinning of the uterine lining, I couldn't help but let my mind wander back to the time shortly after we were married.

Before all my reading, I had never wondered again What If? I mean, I had taken a pregnancy test. And it had been negative.

But that was before I knew the details about pregnancy and how pregnancy tests work. A pregnancy test measures a hormone called human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). This hormone is produced AFTER a baby implants into the uterus. Therefore, it is entirely possible to have a fertilized egg....a baby...and have no hCG....and a negative pregnancy test.

Now, I will always wonder.

I missed 2 pills. We used no "back up" method. I was 4 days late. And I bled significantly more than any other periods I had in quite awhile.

It is entirely possible that all of the symptoms were simply caused by the inconsistency of the hormones I was taking. It is entirely possible that there was never any baby. Maybe there was never even an egg released.

But it is also entirely possible that there was a baby. My baby. And that my uterus couldn't support that baby. And that my little one was flushed out of my body as a result of my choices to take those hormones...you know...the ones I was taking because it wasn't really a good time yet and we needed "our time" together.

Well...after getting to know Makenzie Rose for 3 1/2 years, Ryken Chip for 27 months, and Cason Roy & Emerson Earl for 9 months, I can tell you that I am quite confident that if there WAS a baby...if I DID conceive...that my baby would have been worth it. It would have been a good time. And "our time" together would have only been better with that baby.

And it makes me sad.

I don't feel guilty. I've handed it over to the Lord. He knew what my heart was then, and He knows what my heart is now. He used people, literature, and most of all his Holy Spirit to convict me and I have repented and I know I am covered by His blood. I know I am forgiven.

Some of you may say that I don't even know if there was a baby and I am being extreme. But that's not the point. The point is my heart. The point is the reasoning behind my actions. The point is that I chose not to educate myself fully in this area. I chose to be ignorant in an area that is fully deserving of being attentive and educated and respectful to the One who created our bodies and who creates within our bodies.

And so. I will always wonder. And I will always be grateful for the gifts of the atoning blood of Jesus, the faith He's given me, the process of sanctification, and His forgiveness. I am a work in progress. And I am so glad He keeps working to change my heart.