It's nearing two years since I was last here at this page. And here I sit once again.
God is doing much.
Another baby has arrived. Our hearts are open to more. I no longer argue with God over space, not because more space has been given. Rather, He has changed my heart. I give thanks. I trust. We feel blessed.
My heart struggles, though, with so many things.
How do I live? What are the answers? When my heart is right before God, how will that LOOK? If I am serious and real and true in my affections to my King, what does that require of me?
Teach my soul, Holy Spirit. Teach me how to spend Your money. Teach me how to dress. Teach me how to be humble and gentle and kind. Teach me how to love. Teach me how to be holy as you are holy.
My heart longs to MAGNIFY Him. Let us EXALT His name together! [Psalm 34:3]
11.15.2010
Why are WE considering permanent birth control?
I initially sat down at the computer with this question in mind: What are the Biblical reasons and arguments to support "permanent birth control" (tubal ligation, vasectomy)?
I knew there was no command that we should NOT to have this done. But for some reason, I wanted a list of reasons why we SHOULD consider it a good thing.
I should mention that this came completely out of nowhere. I had no reason to even be thinking about it right now. Chip and I are in full agreement at this point that our family isn't done.
I should also point out that I WANTED good reasons. I WANTED to know that when the time came, we were doing the right thing. Vasectomies are not a rare thing in the church. Neither are tubal ligations. And this is a big topic. So I set out to find the reasonings and logic behind a decision that so many Christians have made and been fine with.
I started my search and realized that there are so many "what ifs". Too many to count. Everyone is in a different situation. And this ISN'T a black and white/right and wrong thing. And so, instead of trying to figure out what everyone else should do, I decided to try to figure out what WE...Chip and myself....should do.
We obviously had reasons in our heads behind why we'd make this decision. So the obvious thing to do would be to ask ourselves: Are these reasons the RIGHT reasons? And so, I started to evaluate my OWN reasons.
I was in this alone, at this point. Chip had no idea what I was thinking about. Like I said, there was really no reason to be thinking about it right now.
So, I began to really think about MY reasons. Some of them are more valid than others. Most would seem like quite valid reasons if I were to tell them to a friend...but are much more pathetic when I try to tell them to God. I thought of the things that I have said recently in regards to "being done"....things like "we will be so young when our kids are grown up...we'll be able to do SO much". Or "we live in a little tiny condo...we don't have space for another baby". Or "I don't want to have to take care of a baby if I decide to homeschool...I need to be done before Kenzie is five..so we can fit in one more baby in before that." Or..."I'm tired of this baby phase..I can't wait until we can just get rid of all this "stuff" that comes along with babies." Some of you may think these things are valid. And some of these reasons might be quite valid for someone else. But not for me. Not in my life. I can see through all of these reasons. And I can tell you that when it comes to my heart, as much as anyone else may want to make me feel justified in these things, I simply cannot. The more I look to what God's word says, the more I feel these are just excuses. Excuses I know I will be supported in by the people around me. But excuses that won't hold any water with God. He knows my heart. He knows my motives. He is the one I will answer to in the end.
These are just a few of my "reasons". These are just a few of the things I have heard myself saying to people in the past year. But as I've thought through these and other reasons, I have started to ask myself other questions. And so, some of those questions will be looked at in the next several posts.
I knew there was no command that we should NOT to have this done. But for some reason, I wanted a list of reasons why we SHOULD consider it a good thing.
I should mention that this came completely out of nowhere. I had no reason to even be thinking about it right now. Chip and I are in full agreement at this point that our family isn't done.
I should also point out that I WANTED good reasons. I WANTED to know that when the time came, we were doing the right thing. Vasectomies are not a rare thing in the church. Neither are tubal ligations. And this is a big topic. So I set out to find the reasonings and logic behind a decision that so many Christians have made and been fine with.
I started my search and realized that there are so many "what ifs". Too many to count. Everyone is in a different situation. And this ISN'T a black and white/right and wrong thing. And so, instead of trying to figure out what everyone else should do, I decided to try to figure out what WE...Chip and myself....should do.
We obviously had reasons in our heads behind why we'd make this decision. So the obvious thing to do would be to ask ourselves: Are these reasons the RIGHT reasons? And so, I started to evaluate my OWN reasons.
I was in this alone, at this point. Chip had no idea what I was thinking about. Like I said, there was really no reason to be thinking about it right now.
So, I began to really think about MY reasons. Some of them are more valid than others. Most would seem like quite valid reasons if I were to tell them to a friend...but are much more pathetic when I try to tell them to God. I thought of the things that I have said recently in regards to "being done"....things like "we will be so young when our kids are grown up...we'll be able to do SO much". Or "we live in a little tiny condo...we don't have space for another baby". Or "I don't want to have to take care of a baby if I decide to homeschool...I need to be done before Kenzie is five..so we can fit in one more baby in before that." Or..."I'm tired of this baby phase..I can't wait until we can just get rid of all this "stuff" that comes along with babies." Some of you may think these things are valid. And some of these reasons might be quite valid for someone else. But not for me. Not in my life. I can see through all of these reasons. And I can tell you that when it comes to my heart, as much as anyone else may want to make me feel justified in these things, I simply cannot. The more I look to what God's word says, the more I feel these are just excuses. Excuses I know I will be supported in by the people around me. But excuses that won't hold any water with God. He knows my heart. He knows my motives. He is the one I will answer to in the end.
These are just a few of my "reasons". These are just a few of the things I have heard myself saying to people in the past year. But as I've thought through these and other reasons, I have started to ask myself other questions. And so, some of those questions will be looked at in the next several posts.
Getting a head start
And so, here we are.
Happily and like-mindedly waiting to see if and when God gives us another bundle.
Kenzie is 3 1/2.
Ryken is 2 1/4.
Emery and Casey are each 3/4 (9 months).
And I am still period-less for now and as far as I know, not pregnant.
But. The other day, I decided to get a head start.
I mean, yeah, sure we decided that we were both open to another baby. But after that, surely we'd HAVE to be done. Right?
We have to be done sometime. Right?????
And a vasectomy is still the easiest way to go. So I decided to back it all up. I know there are no verses that talk about this issue specifically...but SURELY others have thought this through and there MUST be some good, solid Biblical reasons and arguments for why this is a good thing to do. Right??
And so I began my search.
I was sure I'd find SOMETHING. Someone to talk about the WISDOM of a vasectomy. About the STEWARDSHIP behind a vasectomy. Right?
And so I googled. And googled. And googled.
And did NOT find what I was looking for....what I was HOPING for.
Instead, I found page after page of either what seemed like a lame excuse or answer like "the Bible doesn't say not to...so go for it" OR I found page after page of challenging the way I was looking at things.
I had decided to get a head-start on the issue....making sure that when/if baby #5 comes along I'd be all ready to go with the big V...knowing we were making Biblically grounded decisions.
And that is where my questions started. Remember....those questions WAY back in my first post? Instead of a head-start I found myself taking 1 step forward and about 1,000 steps back. And so the examination begins.
Happily and like-mindedly waiting to see if and when God gives us another bundle.
Kenzie is 3 1/2.
Ryken is 2 1/4.
Emery and Casey are each 3/4 (9 months).
And I am still period-less for now and as far as I know, not pregnant.
But. The other day, I decided to get a head start.
I mean, yeah, sure we decided that we were both open to another baby. But after that, surely we'd HAVE to be done. Right?
We have to be done sometime. Right?????
And a vasectomy is still the easiest way to go. So I decided to back it all up. I know there are no verses that talk about this issue specifically...but SURELY others have thought this through and there MUST be some good, solid Biblical reasons and arguments for why this is a good thing to do. Right??
And so I began my search.
I was sure I'd find SOMETHING. Someone to talk about the WISDOM of a vasectomy. About the STEWARDSHIP behind a vasectomy. Right?
And so I googled. And googled. And googled.
And did NOT find what I was looking for....what I was HOPING for.
Instead, I found page after page of either what seemed like a lame excuse or answer like "the Bible doesn't say not to...so go for it" OR I found page after page of challenging the way I was looking at things.
I had decided to get a head-start on the issue....making sure that when/if baby #5 comes along I'd be all ready to go with the big V...knowing we were making Biblically grounded decisions.
And that is where my questions started. Remember....those questions WAY back in my first post? Instead of a head-start I found myself taking 1 step forward and about 1,000 steps back. And so the examination begins.
Unexpected Change of Heart
Initially, at the news of having twins....at the realization that I'd have 4 kids ages: 2, 1, and two newborns, I wanted Chip to go get a vasectomy immediately.
It would be perfect. We'd have our 4 kids. He'd have things all taken care of. I'd give birth and we'd never have to think about or pray about or discuss the baby-making side of sex ever again. We could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted and everything would be happy and wonderful. No more wondering if breastfeeding was "working". No more thinking about possibly having to put "barriers" between us. This was gonna be good.
I figured he'd have the vasectomy while I was pregnant and he'd be good and cleaned out by the time any fertility might return on my end.
Chip wanted to hold off, though. His reasons were good. I was pregnant with twins. Because there were two, I was automatically labeled high risk. The chances of something going wrong were higher. So he thought it would be best to wait and see....to make sure the babies were born on time and healthy and that things went well. I couldn't argue with that.
So instead, we'd wait until RIGHT after they were born. I knew that everything I'd read on vasectomies said you have to use "back-up" for 6 weeks. We were both pretty confident that breastfeeding twins would be a good enough "back-up", at least for the first 6 months. So he'd just have to go within the first couple months and we'd be able to avoid condoms and the like. Hurray.
So February rolled around. And my baby boys were here. Emerson Earl and Cason Roy were born and a beautiful birth it was.
We went home. And things were crazy.....but not as crazy as I'd expected. And it was tiring....but not as tiring as I'd expected. Jesus was providing...in so so many ways.
And when they were a few weeks old, the vasectomy was mentioned. Nothing was set in stone. No appointments were made. It was simply mentioned....a "we need to do that sometime" type of thing. No deep discussion. There was no question. Just a simple statement.
And out of nowhere I was sad. Not just a little bit sad. But deeply and overwhelmingly sad. It consumed my thoughts and it interrupted my sleep. And I was so confused.
Here I was. 24 years old. 4 kids...all of them babies, really. This was what I'd always wanted. This was what we'd always planned. Just a few short months before I was planning out the best day for him to go and get things "taken care of".
So I now had this problem. I was deeply saddened and overly anxious and questioning something I KNEW I wanted...I wanted to be DONE. How in the world could we possibly have ANOTHER baby?
NOT ONLY did we have 4 kids ages 2 and under BUT...we also had a minivan that seated 6 (and there were 6 of us)....not a whole lot of money.....and a 900sq ft condo. More kids?! More?! Was I going completely insane?
But I knew what I'd do and it was a fail-proof plan. I'd talk to Chip. I KNEW he wouldn't go for it. He hadn't even known if he wanted 4 kids. There was NO WAY he'd go for 5. But he was the head of the household. And I'm a good submissive wife. And so it would be my way out. I'd still be sad, but I'd be doing the right thing. I'd be opening up. I'd be honest about my feelings. And then I'd graciously submit and pray that God would give me peace. PERFECT!
So I talked to Chip. And to my horror and amazement, he said he could totally see us having another baby. WHAT?!
So now, I knew two things: 1. We were BOTH completely insane. and 2. It HAD to be from God. There was no other explanation. There still isn't. ME wanting another baby...ME wanting more kicks and wiggles in my belly....that isn't all that surprising. But Chip?! Yeah. It was God. 100%
It would be perfect. We'd have our 4 kids. He'd have things all taken care of. I'd give birth and we'd never have to think about or pray about or discuss the baby-making side of sex ever again. We could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted and everything would be happy and wonderful. No more wondering if breastfeeding was "working". No more thinking about possibly having to put "barriers" between us. This was gonna be good.
I figured he'd have the vasectomy while I was pregnant and he'd be good and cleaned out by the time any fertility might return on my end.
Chip wanted to hold off, though. His reasons were good. I was pregnant with twins. Because there were two, I was automatically labeled high risk. The chances of something going wrong were higher. So he thought it would be best to wait and see....to make sure the babies were born on time and healthy and that things went well. I couldn't argue with that.
So instead, we'd wait until RIGHT after they were born. I knew that everything I'd read on vasectomies said you have to use "back-up" for 6 weeks. We were both pretty confident that breastfeeding twins would be a good enough "back-up", at least for the first 6 months. So he'd just have to go within the first couple months and we'd be able to avoid condoms and the like. Hurray.
So February rolled around. And my baby boys were here. Emerson Earl and Cason Roy were born and a beautiful birth it was.
We went home. And things were crazy.....but not as crazy as I'd expected. And it was tiring....but not as tiring as I'd expected. Jesus was providing...in so so many ways.
And when they were a few weeks old, the vasectomy was mentioned. Nothing was set in stone. No appointments were made. It was simply mentioned....a "we need to do that sometime" type of thing. No deep discussion. There was no question. Just a simple statement.
And out of nowhere I was sad. Not just a little bit sad. But deeply and overwhelmingly sad. It consumed my thoughts and it interrupted my sleep. And I was so confused.
Here I was. 24 years old. 4 kids...all of them babies, really. This was what I'd always wanted. This was what we'd always planned. Just a few short months before I was planning out the best day for him to go and get things "taken care of".
So I now had this problem. I was deeply saddened and overly anxious and questioning something I KNEW I wanted...I wanted to be DONE. How in the world could we possibly have ANOTHER baby?
NOT ONLY did we have 4 kids ages 2 and under BUT...we also had a minivan that seated 6 (and there were 6 of us)....not a whole lot of money.....and a 900sq ft condo. More kids?! More?! Was I going completely insane?
But I knew what I'd do and it was a fail-proof plan. I'd talk to Chip. I KNEW he wouldn't go for it. He hadn't even known if he wanted 4 kids. There was NO WAY he'd go for 5. But he was the head of the household. And I'm a good submissive wife. And so it would be my way out. I'd still be sad, but I'd be doing the right thing. I'd be opening up. I'd be honest about my feelings. And then I'd graciously submit and pray that God would give me peace. PERFECT!
So I talked to Chip. And to my horror and amazement, he said he could totally see us having another baby. WHAT?!
So now, I knew two things: 1. We were BOTH completely insane. and 2. It HAD to be from God. There was no other explanation. There still isn't. ME wanting another baby...ME wanting more kicks and wiggles in my belly....that isn't all that surprising. But Chip?! Yeah. It was God. 100%
Baby! again and again
Ryken turned 8 months old at the end of March.
The beginning of April, I had my first postpartum period.
Six weeks (and a few negative pregnancy tests...just to be sure) later, in the middle of May, I had another.
Another six weeks went by and still no period. And so another test. With a faint 2nd line. It was beautiful. It was the end of June. Ryken was 11 months old. And Baby #3 was coming.
I wasn't nervous. The transition from 1 baby to 2 was so easy for me. People had scared me my whole pregnancy and I had scared myself. I was worried about the fact that Kenzie would have to share me. I was afraid she wouldn't be ready. I didn't know how I'd stretch myself. But then Ryken came and we were all happy afterall. As Ryken got bigger, he and Kenzie became buddies and I could see the many ways that a cl0se-in-age sibling was a GOOD thing for my baby-girl. And so, I knew the same would be for baby #3. I had had 2 easy pregnancies. I had had 2 smooth deliveries. I had breastfed 2 babies successfully with few difficulties. It would be a piece of cake : ) I had it all under control (insert through-the-roof PRIDEFULNESS)
And so it began. The pregnancy wasn't really bad, but it was worse than I had remembered. I was SO SO tired. But then again, it WAS the middle of summer and the heat always makes me tired. And I did have TWO babies to take care of this time instead of just one.
And I was SO SO hungry. But I was still nursing Ryken. And I was chasing after TWO babies, instead of just one.
So the first few weeks flew by and before I knew it my first OB appointment was upon us. We walked in feeling confident and ready to see our newest little family member. And that when God humbled me. He changed our plans. Baby #3 was also Baby #4. Twins!
What a surprise it was. And it shook me to the core.
On one hand, I was elated. TWO babies! We would have FOUR babies after all. And what a blessing. Identical twins....unexplained by science...but fully explained in the fact that God had created them and given them specifically into our care.
On the other hand, though, I was terrified. I had been running full force on my own pride, and this news was enough to shatter it. THIS I could not do. I was NOT ready for this. I did NOT choose this. For at least a month and then on and off throughout the rest of the pregnancy I had regular thoughts like this:
*God, we were going to have 3 and then SEE if I could handle 4. What makes you think I'm ready for this? I don't feel ready at all!
And then I'd hear God saying to my soul: You're right. You aren't ready and you can't handle it. You need me.
*God, why did you choose this for me? Don't you know I am not capable?
And then I'd hear God answering back to me: You aren't capable, but I can make you capable. I made you, I designed you, I gave you these babies, I will sustain you....just TRUST me.
*God, aren't babies supposed to be blessings? Why then, do I feel like this is such a trial? I don't WANT to feel like my blessings are trials!
And then I'd hear God say: Why do you feel like they are trials? Why do you feel like one baby was a blessing but adding another baby is a burden? Are you trusting ME or are you listening to what others have to say?
Over the months of my pregnancy, God worked significantly on my heart. He taught me hour by hour (minute by minute..even) that while He made me the mother I was, and while I had a pretty good grasp on things, that I NEEDED Him...continually...constantly. He showed me His faithfulness. He showed me His provision. I have story upon story during that time where God grabbed me and MADE me listen and poured out His grace and revealed more of Himself to me.
And the best part?
We were DONE! Hurray! No more wondering. No more questioning. No more research.
We had wanted 3 or 4. We were have 4. The Plan, although quite changed from the original plan, was almost done. Almost finished. And with a quick little procedure for my very brave husband and a few days of recovery, we'd be home-free.
The beginning of April, I had my first postpartum period.
Six weeks (and a few negative pregnancy tests...just to be sure) later, in the middle of May, I had another.
Another six weeks went by and still no period. And so another test. With a faint 2nd line. It was beautiful. It was the end of June. Ryken was 11 months old. And Baby #3 was coming.
I wasn't nervous. The transition from 1 baby to 2 was so easy for me. People had scared me my whole pregnancy and I had scared myself. I was worried about the fact that Kenzie would have to share me. I was afraid she wouldn't be ready. I didn't know how I'd stretch myself. But then Ryken came and we were all happy afterall. As Ryken got bigger, he and Kenzie became buddies and I could see the many ways that a cl0se-in-age sibling was a GOOD thing for my baby-girl. And so, I knew the same would be for baby #3. I had had 2 easy pregnancies. I had had 2 smooth deliveries. I had breastfed 2 babies successfully with few difficulties. It would be a piece of cake : ) I had it all under control (insert through-the-roof PRIDEFULNESS)
And so it began. The pregnancy wasn't really bad, but it was worse than I had remembered. I was SO SO tired. But then again, it WAS the middle of summer and the heat always makes me tired. And I did have TWO babies to take care of this time instead of just one.
And I was SO SO hungry. But I was still nursing Ryken. And I was chasing after TWO babies, instead of just one.
So the first few weeks flew by and before I knew it my first OB appointment was upon us. We walked in feeling confident and ready to see our newest little family member. And that when God humbled me. He changed our plans. Baby #3 was also Baby #4. Twins!
What a surprise it was. And it shook me to the core.
On one hand, I was elated. TWO babies! We would have FOUR babies after all. And what a blessing. Identical twins....unexplained by science...but fully explained in the fact that God had created them and given them specifically into our care.
On the other hand, though, I was terrified. I had been running full force on my own pride, and this news was enough to shatter it. THIS I could not do. I was NOT ready for this. I did NOT choose this. For at least a month and then on and off throughout the rest of the pregnancy I had regular thoughts like this:
*God, we were going to have 3 and then SEE if I could handle 4. What makes you think I'm ready for this? I don't feel ready at all!
And then I'd hear God saying to my soul: You're right. You aren't ready and you can't handle it. You need me.
*God, why did you choose this for me? Don't you know I am not capable?
And then I'd hear God answering back to me: You aren't capable, but I can make you capable. I made you, I designed you, I gave you these babies, I will sustain you....just TRUST me.
*God, aren't babies supposed to be blessings? Why then, do I feel like this is such a trial? I don't WANT to feel like my blessings are trials!
And then I'd hear God say: Why do you feel like they are trials? Why do you feel like one baby was a blessing but adding another baby is a burden? Are you trusting ME or are you listening to what others have to say?
Over the months of my pregnancy, God worked significantly on my heart. He taught me hour by hour (minute by minute..even) that while He made me the mother I was, and while I had a pretty good grasp on things, that I NEEDED Him...continually...constantly. He showed me His faithfulness. He showed me His provision. I have story upon story during that time where God grabbed me and MADE me listen and poured out His grace and revealed more of Himself to me.
And the best part?
We were DONE! Hurray! No more wondering. No more questioning. No more research.
We had wanted 3 or 4. We were have 4. The Plan, although quite changed from the original plan, was almost done. Almost finished. And with a quick little procedure for my very brave husband and a few days of recovery, we'd be home-free.
Change of plans...take 2.
Sometime between that first diaphragm fitting appointment that didn't happen and the day the doctor's office called me back a few weeks later to reschedule, we decided to change plans again.
At that point, I didn't like the idea of a diaphragm. I don't know why. It just seemed unnatural and uncomfortable and I hated the idea that I'd have to "cap things off" each night just in case we wanted to be together. It didn't go together in my head. It still doesn't, really, even though I don't think it is "wrong" per say.
And so, I decided maybe we should just have our three kids close and be done with it. I was really sad...I had always wanted 4 kids. But I KNEW that would be too much work. Chip's parents had stopped after having 3 close together...it was too much to handle. And my parents took a break after 2...waiting to have me and my younger sister. My mom needed to rest.
Chip and I talked about it and we decided that maybe things would be different, but that we didn't need to decide about 3 or 4 right then. Chip reassured me that we could "see how things go". We'd have our 3rd close together, and then we'd see...maybe we could have a 4th close together too.
I was relieved. And thankful. Thankful that my husband was wise enough to see that we didn't have to have it all planned out. We could give ourselves some wiggle room. There was flexibility in The Plan.
And so....we continued to let things run their course and I was at peace.
At that point, I didn't like the idea of a diaphragm. I don't know why. It just seemed unnatural and uncomfortable and I hated the idea that I'd have to "cap things off" each night just in case we wanted to be together. It didn't go together in my head. It still doesn't, really, even though I don't think it is "wrong" per say.
And so, I decided maybe we should just have our three kids close and be done with it. I was really sad...I had always wanted 4 kids. But I KNEW that would be too much work. Chip's parents had stopped after having 3 close together...it was too much to handle. And my parents took a break after 2...waiting to have me and my younger sister. My mom needed to rest.
Chip and I talked about it and we decided that maybe things would be different, but that we didn't need to decide about 3 or 4 right then. Chip reassured me that we could "see how things go". We'd have our 3rd close together, and then we'd see...maybe we could have a 4th close together too.
I was relieved. And thankful. Thankful that my husband was wise enough to see that we didn't have to have it all planned out. We could give ourselves some wiggle room. There was flexibility in The Plan.
And so....we continued to let things run their course and I was at peace.
Unexplained anxiety
So Ryken was born in July of 2008.
We had our new plan. And it was a good one.
Breastfeeding (and "crossing our fingers [trusting God]"...I say it like that because I was quick to SAY we were "trusting God" on the outside, but I was equally as quick to be "crossing my fingers" in my heart)for 6 months. Then a diaphragm and spermicide.
And so the first 5 months flew by. And it was time to figure things out.
I asked around and found a doctors office that would prescribe a diaphragm. I made my appointment for January...5 1/2 months postpartum.
The day of the appointment came.
I walked into the waiting room and I felt quite uncomfortable. It was strange for me because I don't usually mind doctors appointments. I'm good with just about anything...shots, blood draws, pap smears....they don't make me nervous. And yet. I was nervous. Or maybe anxious. But I didn't know why.
I paid my co-pay. I filled out my new patient forms. I sat and waited.
Finally they called me back. I was taken to a room and I think they even had me undress and sit in a gown. And then the medical assistant came in. She came in and was very apologetic right from the start. Apparently, there was a new type of diaphragm they were going to be prescribing in just a couple of weeks. But they didn't have the new kits to fit the new diaphragms. She told me if they would have realized why I was coming in they would have postponed my appointment. I COULD have them fit the old type and get it for one month, but then I'd have to come back and get re-fitted for the new one. And really they didn't recommend that since the whole purpose of the new one was because they didn't want to use the old one for whatever reason.
So I left. And I felt free.
I told them to call me when the new kits came in and I'd reschedule. I'd already paid my copay for the appointment. And so, I'd face it all again...but I had a little more time.
We had our new plan. And it was a good one.
Breastfeeding (and "crossing our fingers [trusting God]"...I say it like that because I was quick to SAY we were "trusting God" on the outside, but I was equally as quick to be "crossing my fingers" in my heart)for 6 months. Then a diaphragm and spermicide.
And so the first 5 months flew by. And it was time to figure things out.
I asked around and found a doctors office that would prescribe a diaphragm. I made my appointment for January...5 1/2 months postpartum.
The day of the appointment came.
I walked into the waiting room and I felt quite uncomfortable. It was strange for me because I don't usually mind doctors appointments. I'm good with just about anything...shots, blood draws, pap smears....they don't make me nervous. And yet. I was nervous. Or maybe anxious. But I didn't know why.
I paid my co-pay. I filled out my new patient forms. I sat and waited.
Finally they called me back. I was taken to a room and I think they even had me undress and sit in a gown. And then the medical assistant came in. She came in and was very apologetic right from the start. Apparently, there was a new type of diaphragm they were going to be prescribing in just a couple of weeks. But they didn't have the new kits to fit the new diaphragms. She told me if they would have realized why I was coming in they would have postponed my appointment. I COULD have them fit the old type and get it for one month, but then I'd have to come back and get re-fitted for the new one. And really they didn't recommend that since the whole purpose of the new one was because they didn't want to use the old one for whatever reason.
So I left. And I felt free.
I told them to call me when the new kits came in and I'd reschedule. I'd already paid my copay for the appointment. And so, I'd face it all again...but I had a little more time.
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